How to Date, Not
As you navigate the underworld of dating, here are some expertly curated tips on things not to do during a first date:
Show her your Harry Potter tattoo and then proceed to obnoxiously put spells on everybody in the restaurant. You’re not a wizard, bitch.
Talk about the Sacramento Kings. Nobody wants to hear about the Kings, ever. In any capacity. Period.
Go off on an hour-long tangent about your religious and philosophical views. She may not believe that you are, in fact, God.
DM her Mom on Facebook. There’s really no reason to do this, whatsoever. If you’re currently doing this, you should deeply contemplate your life and definitely seek professional help.
Take her to Taco Bell, even if she agrees. She likely thought you were joking and will be upset when you order “10 bean burritos, grilled, add potatoes” for the two of you to share.
Say something like “ooooooo, I’m such a goofy guy, ooooooo” and then fall back in your chair. Oooooooooooooo.
Show up to the date hammered. A drink or two is one thing. Showing up completely inebriated is a different story. Violently puking all over the restaurant table is an entirely different universe. As a general rule, if you’re too drunk to drive, you’re probably too drunk for a date.
Let her know that you used to be a DJ. If any statement you make needs to be amended by, “but I was one of the cool ones,” it should probably be avoided at all costs.
Ask if she wants to start a joint checking account. She may not feel comfortable combining financial assets at this point in the relationship.
Tell her your evil plan to take over the city. Your “Hungry Caterpillar” shirt may give conflicting signals, and she could misinterpret your statement as sarcasm.
Ask her if she wants to meet your Mom. This is a bold move. An unsuccessful move, yes. Indubitably. But a bold move, nevertheless!
Ask if the restaurant has milk. Not coffee. Not water. Milk. Drink the milk in complete silence. Ask for another glass of milk. Then another. Then ask how much milk you’re allowed to order at once. Drink all the milk. Unabashedly. Determinedly. Rapidly.
Make out with the waitress while your date goes to the bathroom. How could she do this to me?
Take a bath. There’s really no reason you should be taking a bath, mid-date. If you feel the urge to take a bath during a first date, it may point to deep psychological issues stemming from unresolved childhood trauma.
Ask her father for her hand in marriage. The family could possibly view this as “coming on too strong.”
Order the spiciest thing off the menu and ask the kitchen to make it 10x hotter than usual. Assure the waitress of your superior taste buds. Incessantly brag about your insane spice tolerance. When the food comes, eat it silently. Vigorously start crying. Romance level? JalapeÑO. Jalapeñoah.
Use phrases like “Jalapeñoah.” Noahbody wants to hear that shit.
Suggest your next 12 dates. She may think you’re clingy rather than efficient. Relationships, above all else, need time to manifest. There’s a reason why the “3-day” rule exists.
Mid-conversation, lean in close and whisper, “You know what really turns me on? Tax season audits.” Tax evasion is seriously sexy. (This message is TurboTax approved.)
Explain Proposition 2.2 to her. She will not understand Proposition 2.2 without Proposition 2.1, Theorem 1, Assumptions 1-7, and Corollary 1.4. And she will think you a fool. A damn fool.
Ask her whether she wants to have 17 kids or 18 kids. 18 kids. Obviously.
Show her your Duolingo streak and then imperfectly start speaking the language. She will not understand you and you will also not understand you. But then again, do you ever understand you? Will anybody ever understand you?
Show up to the date in your gym clothes. Unless your name is Victor Wembanyama, it’s probably better to put on a pair of slacks. (Yes, she will immediately know the difference between you and the 7’5” basketball player.)
Show her your ice-skating dance moves. She will be unimpressed by your imperfectly crafted dance moves. She will be even more unimpressed when you let her know that you are, in fact, unable to ice skate. She will end the date embarrassed that she agreed to go out with you.
Be somebody else. Be yourself, King! Queen! Ain’t nobody better.
— DJ Dixon, Dating Aficionado
