Noah Dixon was born on December 20, 2001, in Martinez, California. It has long been rumored that, after he was born, absolutely nothing changed, probably.
INTERESTINGLY,
While the U.S. was experiencing the Great Recession, I was proving the “Great Contention.” In 2008, when I was only 7 years old, I earned my first PhD, in Chemistry. However, shortly after — and directly following the first season of Breaking Bad — I realized I was dangerously close to becoming the next Walter White. And so, I decided to try my luck in the business world instead.
In 2012, shortly after learning how to ride a bike, I developed a functioning time machine, which I subsequently sold to Apple for $2 billion. However, the FBI stole the prototype, as well as the corollary plans. I was allowed to keep the money, on the condition that, “the secret to time travel dies with me.” Unfortunately, the only thing I did with my invention was get rejected by Margot Robbie, over and over again. It turns out the most attractive women in the world are not interested in dating an 11-year-old (or a 23-year-old PhD student, for that matter).
For the next 9 years, I traveled the world, engaging in freelance work for the CIA. In 2014, I helped orchestrate the political coup in Burkina Faso. Admittedly, at this point, my philosophical ideals were still nascent, but there was an excuse: I was only 13. Throughout my travels, I continually donated money to various “charities.” In 2019, the WSJ published an article about me, titled “The Most Generous Man You’ve Never Heard of.” It was their most popular article of the year. Ironically, I never actually donated to charity; I dated a girl named Charity. Classic mistake.
In 2021, I was voted NYT’s “sexiest man alive.” Humbly, I declined, to which they told me, and I quote, “we’ve never been more certain about anything, ever.” I had no choice but to accept the award. In 2023, they revoked my award, in lieu of a “sexiest man ever” award, the only competition of which was King Tutankhamun. Once again, I had no choice but to accept.
In 2024, prior to beginning my PhD in Economics, I qualified for every race in the Olympics, despite having no previous experience. Doctors said — unanimously, for the first time since the U.S. Surgeon General’s declaration on the dangers of cigarettes in 1964 — that my genetic structure was unlike anything they had previously seen. However, although I was the unambiguous frontrunner, in every race, my academic obligations forced me to resign, prematurely. That’s how serious I am about economics.
OK, YOU CAUGHT ME!
The previous section may have been slightly fabricated.
IN REALITY,
At age 5, my parents were having a difficult conversation regarding whether to hold me back a year. I was not a precocious child. Two years later, in 2nd grade — and contrary to every fiber in my genetic structure — I maxed out the pacer test with a score of 32. I would not do anything even nearly as impressive for the next twelve years.
Most of my teenage years were spent working. In fact, since I was 14, I’ve worked an “unusual” assortment of jobs, including:
Agricultural Laborer, Monsanto
Crew Member, McDonalds
Fry Cook, Pourhouse Restaurant
Laborer, H&W Construction
Technical Administration, Silencer Central
Service Manager, Hy-Vee
DJ, Complete Weddings and Events
Tutor, Beacom School of Business
Trust Administration Associate, Bridgeford Trust Company.
I barely made it to college. After watching Good Will Hunting — and given that neither of my parents had gone to college — I ostensibly concluded that college wasn’t for me. My plan was to continue working construction; fortunately, I was quite bad as a pipelayer, and we “mutually” decided to split ways.
I applied to only one college — twelve minutes before the late deadline — on little more than a whim. My first year lacked any sort of coherent structure. I partied constantly, studied only out of necessity, and rarely attended class. During my Calculus I final, instead of reviewing previous exams, I read the entire Harry Potter series. At the end of my first year, and due to unfortunate complications that arose from gambling my FAFSA in the stock market, I was more than $2,500 in debt. Once again, I deliberated dropping out.
Yet, out of sheer insanity, I kept going. And then, sometime during my sophomore year, gradually and unintentionally, Economics ingratiated its way into my life. From that point on, I was in love. And, like any man in love, I was willing to pursue this relationship, irrationally and emphatically, to the very end. A PhD was born.
CURRENTLY,
I’m a PhD student in Economics at Texas A&M University. My research interests lie at the intersection of behavioral economics and econometric theory. Specifically, I have two broad research agendas:
The construction of “individualized econometrics,” using biometric tracking, in the therapeutic industry.
The “replication crisis”, and more broadly, the theoretical basis of generalizability.
Prior to graduate school, I studied Mathematics (BS) and Economics (BBA) at the University of South Dakota, where I graduated Summa Cum Laude (x2).
IN MY “FREE, FREE” TIME,
I enjoy playing guitar, writing poetry, powerlifting, and the occasional beer. All of these coincide surprisingly well with academic research.
Back home, in South Dakota, I have three younger sisters, four dogs, and three cats. I’m fortunate to have friends and family that support my outlandish endeavors, even amidst my flaws, which are quite extensive, according to my latest calculations.
I am the greatest Mario Kart player of all time.
